I’ve Become Akin to the Healer I Shunned
Before my Brilliant Transformation, I was working with a very progressive mentor and healer. She was a visceral, sexually awakened Intuitive Counselor who didn’t believe in pharmaceutical interventions for depression. She could heal my pain with intention by moving her hands around my body using “sword fingers.” She believed so deeply in self-love and suggested I self-pleasure as a method for sleep rather than taking addictive benzodiazepines. Another radical thought of hers—she told me I could manifest anything and everything I wanted to achieve in my life.
Frankly, it was simply “too much” for me to fathom in my current depressed and overwhelmed state. In addition to seeking healing from her, I was also working for her at the time. She’s the one who turned me on to social-media management. Her business page was the first social-media account I managed.
However, when I got the impression she didn’t fully understand, or more importantly “appreciate” what I was going through—the extreme grief, the sadness, the overwhelming depression, the anxiety, and the difficulty I had concentrating—I confronted her.
I tried to explain my point. I reasoned. I “made my case.” I argued “FOR depression.” I used the labels as a badge of honor. I explained the stigma and the horrors I faced every day. I realize now, this conversation wasn’t really all that honorable. My mentor tried to empathize, recalling the times she was struck with depression, as well. In particular, she told me about a terribly depressing time when one of her twin daughters died at birth.
I wasn’t having it. How could she possibly understand the debilitating depression I had if she was living such a happy life? She couldn’t possibly know depression if she was not depressed. However, as a parent, I couldn’t even imagine coming back from an experience such as losing my child. I especially could not imagine living life as joyfully as she did after something like that. I told myself that she must be cuckoo.
During our discussion, she told me about off-the-wall healing concepts she adopted and that I should consider, such as, “I don’t watch TV. I love myself. Self-pleasure is soothing and helps me sleep. I fill my mind and heart with positive messages. You deserve to live a happy and joyous life. You can manifest anything you want.”
After our conversation, I quit working for her. Those concepts were so out of the realm of possibility for me, I couldn’t even imagine them—let alone put them into practice. Especially not watching TV. That was my daily practice. Or rather, my daily mind-numbing and avoidance practice.
That was five years ago.
Since that time, I’ve abandoned my labels, including depression, to live the life I love. I no longer watch TV. I love myself, dance with reckless abandon, soothe with self-pleasure, and fill my mind with positive messages. I live a happy and joyous life, and manifest what I want. Sleep is still elusive to me at times, and I’m working on removing pain with intention and sword fingers. But trust me, those are in the works.
I realize now that my actions of holding on to, and fighting for an appreciation of my depression, was only creating more depression. We get more of what we think about, and by thinking about and fighting for depression, I was manifesting more of that in my life. Once I released the need to define myself in such negative terms, and opened myself up to all the goodness and JOY that were available to me, more goodness and joy started showing up in my life.
Now, I work hard to only invite goodness and joy in my life. Depression is simply not necessary. It no longer serves a purpose for me. The purpose it previously served is to be detached from my truth, to stay repressed and suppressed, and to allow others’ needs to override my own.
Essentially, depression enabled me to stay small and not participate in life. It’s also important to note that while I was depressed, I was also morbidly obese. So, while I stayed small on the inside, I was growing larger and insulating on the outside.
I tell you, that’s not fun at all. I deserve to enjoy the shit out of this life. I am now, and I will never go back to the other way.