Free from Within: Past, Present, Future
I remember as a child looking at my hands and talking to myself, saying, “Hmm, I’m in this young body now. Who am I, and why am I here?” That was my mission: to figure my true self out.
Just like you and many other people around the world, my childhood was great and loving to a certain extent. I deeply love my friends and family, and anyone that knows me knows that. I am glad I have the family I have, and that means everyone. It’s my blood.
I faced sexual abuse at a very young age, and I wasn’t allowed to say anything. How could I? I was scared. Soon, I got involved in things I shouldn’t have: I was fighting and not going to school, and I eventually stayed home to watch my youngest sister, who was in preschool at the time. Mom and Dad worked. I learned how to cook and clean for all my siblings. There were five of us at the time.
At the age of 15, my best friend left. I was devastated that someone so pure and gentle could leave me behind. It was so unreal to me. I just wanted all the pain out. When my parents started going through their issues, they separated and divorced. It affected me, being the oldest. I had no real guidance but myself, as well as my good and bad decisions. My mom moved to a city about an hour away, and my dad moved in with his girlfriend. I was back and forth between them, confused and with no direction in life.
I dated young. My real first relationship was just puppy love but ended. I eventually left him for a girl. She and I loved each other, but we were young and way too toxic for each other. People came and left my life.
Over time, I went to live with my mother and my other siblings. I enrolled back in school with my sisters. Within a week of living with my mom, I learned how to take the bus around the city, I got a job, and I went to school. I still partied; I was young, and I wanted to have fun. I transferred to an alternative school and finished the year, but still needed credits to graduate.
I was embarrassed that I was behind. I felt unworthy. At that time, I moved out of my mom’s and into a transitional home while I went to school and worked. Later, I found out I was pregnant. My boyfriend Darrius was in the military, so he was gone a lot. Eventually, I moved out he got me an apartment. I had a high-risk pregnancy and went into labor the same day he was coming back from San Diego, which meant I wasn’t able to talk to him. I didn’t know I was in labor that day and was already dilated early in my pregnancy. I ended up getting an epidural, rested, and the next morning, contractions hit.
I hit a fever of 106, and felt myself slipping away; finally they got it down. He came out blue, barely breathing, he stopped breathing and had to go to the NICU for a few days. Darrius still wasn’t home for a few days. He got there but soon had to leave again for six months. He came back, and a month later, I found out I was having another baby. Today, my boys are 3 and 4.
Becoming a mother changed my way of living, my way of thinking. To know that I have two innocent souls depending on me is tough, but it also feels magical and powerful. Every experience in my life led me here. They are my why. My true purpose is that of a healer. A nurturer. I have learned how to love myself within the last year. I’m currently in a relationship, but I am also engaged to myself. No matter what, regardless of whether I am in romantic relationship with someone else or before anyone can love me, I must love the true me. With no shame. The one who went through all those traumas must come first. Marrying myself will remind me to love me for me whole-heartedly. To forgive and let go.
I am now a certified Reiki practitioner. I’m beyond excited. I see a healer who is a blessing and an inspiration. Even as a healer, I’m still healing and learning how to cope and come up with my own ways of healing. I’m also a shamanic apprentice.
I will continue to remember, grow, and heal those who need healing. I will heal the wounds of my ancestors and carry on their strengths. I am a liberator of women.
I cannot change the past, and I must heal myself—learning to live in the present moment as I unravel my true self. I’ve made it this far. I am learning to become one within myself. With the guidance of angels, spirit guides, and higher self, you must always love those battle wounds, because you are a queen. Challenge yourself to love you, and have fun, with gratitude and with peace.
Yes, it’s hard—but listen to the whispers and to the universe, and you will continue to overcome all obstacles and gain knowledge of your truest self. This is how we begin to find our calling, and when everything comes to us effortlessly. We radiate within the cosmos. If we love truly and openly, with oneness, we find true freedom.