How I Lost My Internal Flame and Found it Back!

I grew up in a small tropical island in Andaman & Nicobar, India. My life was simple and in harmony with the raw beauty of the gorgeous tropical paradise. I had a very good upbringing, and from the age of five, my parents infused the concept of a strong independent girl in me. I guess it was their way of making sure that I felt safe growing up as a girl in India.

Soon I was 15, and like every other teenager, wanted to spread my wings to explore a whole new world. I felt caged in the small town where almost everyone knew each other, had a simple life, spent evenings gossiping, and went to bed by 9 p.m.

I spent the next six years in mainland India, got myself an engineering degree, and found a well-paying job in a new city. I remember that feeling of being 21, newly employed in an IT company, and living alone in my own rented flat. I felt independent. I felt strong. I felt I had achieved what I was longing for. I felt great!

However, to my surprise, that great feeling did not last for long. I cannot not admit that being a young independent girl in India a decade ago was not easy. I had achieved the freedom of living my life; however, I was constantly struggling with the freedom to express myself, especially with society judging you for being an independent girl and living your life on your own terms.

A couple of years down the lane, I received an opportunity to pursue a master’s degree in London. And guess what? I knew that was the next level of independence and freedom that I was longing for. Besides, I was totally drained working 14 hours a day in a very competitive IT company, having no personal time, and feeling burdened by the societal pressure to soon get married and have kids.

London, here I come! I finished my master’s degree, got a decent job, and made good friends. I was feeling great, independent, and free to express myself again—a feeling I remembered from my long-ago past. London being a multicultural city with infinite possibilities opened me up again to my potential.

But soon, the busy work life and the constant pressure in my social life to look good got to me. I realized that women in the West were under extreme pressure to look good and stand out, to get noticed, to be heard, to earn more money, and to be taken seriously. I got carried away in this whirlwind, too!

Something went off! I didn’t really know what it was. I was always a bubbly, fun, and adventurous girl, but I suddenly lost that internal flame. I wasn’t enthusiastic anymore. I was feeling super drained in my job, my relationship was not interesting, and friends became boring. I was tired of it of all. I found myself in the company of fake friends, binging, drugs, and a toxic relationship that killed my self-esteem. The sudden loss of my dear dad added to it. I began to fall sick. I had plenty of blood tests, but doctors found no answers. My body was covered with eczema. I no longer felt beautiful. I wanted to run away! But where to?

Now that I know more, I realize I was denying the most important aspect of life: evolution, expansion, and growth. The one thing that I was sure about was that I was not given this life to work hard, pay the bills, and die. I remembered my dad’s words: “You’ve got to do what you want to do. Some people in your life will stay and some will not. But at least, you lived your life!”

Surprisingly, one day I came across a workshop on Facebook that said “Awaken Your Authentic Feminine,” and I knew right away that I had to attend. It was one of the best decisions of my life.

This is the beauty of living in a multicultural city like London, as I mentioned before. There are infinite possibilities to flourish! And I know many of the other women who have migrated to this city have experienced several unexpected growth opportunities. I spent the next two years exploring the true essence of life in a deep spiritual way with the help of several teachers. I changed my job, and I went from my existing circle of friends to a new community that supported my growth. I experienced intense emotions, cried a lot, released a lot of emotional baggage, allowed myself the time to heal all the physical and emotional abuse, connected with my soul, and uncovered my divine purpose on this planet.

I discovered myself, finally.

Now that I look back, I can say that I had to lose my internal flame to rediscover my real essence. I am so grateful for my journey.

Many of us lose our essence by letting our not-so-pretty life story take over. In working with the spiritual practices around essence, I began to see how life was flowing around me. It became clearer why people do what they do. I felt connected to the world in a deeper manner. When I discovered my essence, I realized that my sacred purpose is to spread this work to the women around me, which is why I founded my company, Exploring Femininity. I realized that I was not the only one woman seeking more out of womanhood.

I am currently loving living life outside the box. I am happily married and running a successful coaching business, fulfilling my purpose of empowering other women. Losing my internal flame was the biggest growth experience of my life. I needed that to happen in order to reboot and create a beautiful life, while inspiring other women along the way.

Jonita D'souza

About the Author | Jonita D'souza

Jonita D’souza is a feminine lifestylist, author, and creatress of Exploring Femininity Ltd., assisting busy modern-day women who struggle with burn-out, overwhelm, and body love to reconnect with their feminine and sensual energy so that they can create a lifestyle that is fulfilling, nurturing, and pleasurable. Jonita is also a certified life coach, NLP practitioner, and master hypnotherapist.

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