I had been traveling for over 20 years, living in different cities in different countries. It has only dawned on me now that this life of moving from place to place was a reflection of the traumatic experiences that happened in my past, things I was running away from.
I was raped at the age of 17 and couldn’t tell my mother, the person I was closest to and who I trusted the most. I was so ashamed that I wanted to forget about it, so I kept it from her. Deep down she knew something terrible had happened to me, but she chose not to question me about it until I was ready to speak—a tactic she took quite often when something was bothering me. Mums are very intuitive when it comes to their children.
After my mother died, things went downhill for me. I started to not care about myself and went into the sex industry by working as a stripper in clubs, as well as nude modeling, and working as a porn actress. I was abusing alcohol, all the while carrying the burden of this rape that I couldn’t speak to anyone about. I was also trying to deal with the death of my mother, along with subsequently a second and third rape and sexual and physical assault, which occurred while I was working in the sex industry.
It wasn’t until my move to Berlin, Germany that things really changed for me and I turned my life around. I quit the industry whilst I was in Berlin and had my breast implants removed, which gave me the attention I really didn’t want, and took solace in singing.
Some people say they turned to religion when they made life changes, but I turned to music, because music is my religion.
After I publicly came out about my experiences as a porn actress, I began to feel a huge relief and a massive weight was removed from my shoulders. This led me to start up the World Women Project. My project is about celebrating the voices of women from all over the world.
This project also was set up as a tribute to my mum, who was a very caring person. She helped a lot of people during her working career. Even after ill health forced her into early retirement, she still continued to help others.
Speaking my truth was important for me. The traumatic experiences I went through over the years took their toll on my health without me realizing it, and the physical and mental feeling of relief once I spoke out was so therapeutic. I also spoke out to help others who may be going through similar experiences.
Healing comes at a different pace for each individual, and when it happens it is a great feeling.